Even the sun sets in paradise..

Hey I just wanted to let you know that there’s a reason why you’re not in my life anymore. I really hate you (:

Thanks for showing me how a real douche bag is. I have to say props to you for making me fall in love. We kept trying even when we knew we weren’t really in love with each other anymore but I kept hope that you would change. What was I really to you? Just notch on your bed post, just another girl that you say you care about. You knew how much I loved you and you took it to your advantage. Did you know that half the time I didn’t want to have sex with you? It wasn’t consensual and hey, it’s rape. But I believed you then, that you cared for me and you knew me too well, you knew what to say to make me cry and fall back into your arms. You are the same as HE was. I hope it kills you to know you were just like HIM. I remember how angry you were when you knew HE sweet talked me, and fast forward 4 years, here you are, turning into the one person you hate the most. I’m glad that we’re not together anymore because for once I’m actually happy. FINALLY. I wished I knew the things I know now, then I would have enough courage to leave you 3 years ago. We spent a lot of time together, and I think I made myself believe that we were happy, that you made me happy but the truth was you were a jealous mother fucker who was too proud to ever say sorry to me. You know that even know I’m tough on the outside, I wear my feelings on my sleeve. I knew you too early on, and in the end you took advantage of me. Physically and mentally. I will NEVER forgive you. I don’t think I ever told anyone how you ever made me feel because I didn’t want to be vulnerable anymore. I told you everything, and in the end it was all shoved back into my face. You knew what would hurt me and you threw it in my face. You got me to cry on your shoulder and think about the good times we had, but truth is, the good times don’t outweigh the bad, and they don’t make them disappear. I’m sorry we ended this way but I’m glad I got to see how you really are. If your friends and family knew what you did to me, do you think they would forgive you? We both know the answer to that, they might forgive you with time, but your reputation, your honor, your pride, everything would be tarnished. And I’m glad I have that power to ruin everything you have. 

P.S. You weren’t good in bed, just saying.

Hey sweetie I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate everything you do for me. I’m sorry I don’t have the courage to tell you face to face. I’m hiding behind a computer screen, on a tumblr post to tell you how I feel. I wish I had met you first because then falling in love wouldn’t be so hard for you. I’m sorry I gave everything I had before I met you, and now, I don’t know if there’s anything left I can give you. I know it’s unfair for you but think about me. I’m trying, I really am, but sometimes I feel really lost because you deserve so much better than me, I can’t give you what you deserve. I’m too broken to be fixed. I don’t deserve you. Even with everything you’ve done for me I still can’t let go of my hurt. You know when I told Amanda about everything she told me “it’s like you have a wall now” and I don’t think I can climb over it. Have you seen how short I am? I’m trying and now I’m just sitting on that wall and I don’t know which side I should jump to, I want to climb over it but I’m tied to the past, I’m scared. The pain I felt, I can’t even tell you. My mom told me “not to love someone so much” but I think it’s a little too late for that now. I was too young, I fell in “love” too quickly and all he did was play with my feelings, treat me like I was a second choice, and he broke me in the worse way. And it’s funny how for a really long time, I blamed myself. He made me believe it was my fault, my fault that he was so jealous, my fault that we didn’t work out. And I believed it. I cried so much because it hurt so badly. And now I’m too scared to fall in love again, I don’t know if I want to fall in love again. How do I trust you when I can barely trust myself?

I wonder how it’s like to not grow up in the United States, what if I was raised in Vietnam?

I wonder how it would be like not to be an engineering major, what if I became a pharmacist like my mom wanted?

I wonder what’s it like to be a perfectionist, would I re-do everything that I half ass?

I wonder what it’s like to be two faced like my roommates.

I wonder why I’m so lazy, I can sleep until 4 pm and still stay in bed because I’m tired.

I wonder what life would be like if I didn’t fall in love so quickly, what if I took the time to grow up instead of rushing into it and loosing my innocence.

I wonder how this world would be without me.